November 6, 2009

• if i could have one gadget named after me, it would be …

  … the Jonathan Hittle Enzyme Buster. Here’s the thing – I love eating lentils and beans, but the results are remarkable. So, the Jonathan Hittle Enzyme Buster would be a small pot into which one would put the offending pods so they would get a quick, high-powered chemical bath, and maybe a spin cycle, that would break the enzymes into something digestible while leaving the flavor and texture of the legumes intact.

  As the complaints from unsatisfied customers come in, I’ll partner with disreputable doctors for the installation of the Jonathan Hittle Tap – a small nozzle, implanted in the belly button, which connects via a series of small tubes to several locations in the colon. When one gets bloated and doesn’t want to wait for the gas to work its way out naturally, just open the nozzle at a convenient time and place and voila! problem solved!

  And when that results in horrible lawsuits, I can start marketing the Jonathan Hittle Legal Fund.

  • 1:16 am
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